Guest speaker Danielle wrote Life in Instalments, to try to make sense of her brother’s drug addiction and the impact it had on her close-knit family.
By the time her brother James was 21, he was headed for a second stretch in prison.
Danielle felt that as his sister, she had somehow failed him. She also felt responsible for the burden it placed on her family.
The weight of the impact on her mother and father, and later her husband and children, was immeasurable.
Danielle’s family, especially her Mother, lived for the day when James would come home. For Danielle, her brother missed so many major family events – her wedding, the birth of her sons. It was difficult to give excuses to the rest of the family and friends who expected to see him. The one most often used, was that James was working.
After 24 years of time in prison, time out, trying to change and committing another offence, James was finally coming home.
Danielle felt the responsibility towards her brother even more because she was older and more mature. She would be able to support him, teach him, give her parents their son back, even fix him.
But despite her love, focus and efforts, James fell into the same cycle within a few days.
Danielle felt so guilty and responsible. She had failed her brother. The ripple impact on her family at this time was immense. She had no-one to talk to outside her immediate family. James’s addiction was kept a deep secret.
Finally, she realised that loving James as much as she did, did not mean she could control him. Her fixation on him was changing her and jeopardising her other family relationships. Love does not mean staying, rescuing and fixing someone to the detriment of your own well-being and your family.
You can still love someone but your life matters too. You must stay on solid ground and throw them a lifeline.
Danielle started writing her book, chapter by chapter, as a form of therapy. Not out of a sense of shame or guilt, but to increase awareness of family and loved ones behind those who have addiction issues. When she finally started talking about her family’s struggles, she was surprised how many others told her they had been through the same thing. She thought, if only they were around to talk to when she was feeling so alone and helpless. But there was no-one.
Her brother has read the book, and admitted he didn’t realise what he had put his family through. Her mother has read it too and realises that although James has the love and support of his family, there are some things you just cannot change.